Friday, September 22, 2006
Have You Ever...been hurt so bad it feels like dying.
No, really. This is what it must feel like to go. And actually, it is rather pleasant.
Its more like a release. The final 'fuck-it'. A complete and utter surrender to a higher power outside your control. Like drowning in a river. You struggle at first. But then, people say there is a moment of euphoria as your lungs learn how to breathe water instead of spit air. You have reverted to mans pre-evolutionary state and ironically, you feel more alive than you have ever felt in your entire sorry land-locked lifetime.
You float. Then you sink into oblivion. And the best part of the transition is the peace. Nothing can touch it or take it from you- it is six feet below. Profound. Exquisite. Deep. It consumes you. And you are left with nothing but the metaphysical conviction that everything in this topsy-turvy world is now as it should be.Finally, you have done something right.
You always knew it was coming. Death and taxes, as they say. The only thing you could never pinpoint was how or when. All you knew was that it would be too soon.
Dont believe what anyone tells you. Nobody ever really wants to go. Even the most reckless maniac with a death-wish wants to live- even if it is by the skin of her teeth. She may flirt with her mortality but ultimately all she wants is to be pulled back from the brink. To live another five minutes. To scrape by.
You wait. A year flies by- the best year of your life. Nothing happens. You grow careless. You begin to make modest little plans and dream modest little dreams, you have a little celebration to congraulate yourself on defying the odds. But in reality, all you are doing is looking forward to a future that isnt yours and committing yourself to a person that can never fully reciprocate.
You fool.
Yet, you continue to laugh in the face of your own destruction. You court it. You jeer at it. And when it doesnt come, you begin to trust in the myth of your own invincibility. You believe your own lies.
You forget you are on borrowed time.
And you are in such a mood when the knife is casually drawn from you, so swiftly that you lose your breath and immediately start to fall. You feel like you should resist or retaliate, do what all women do and cry even, but there is no point. The deed is already done. It is your time to go, not with a bang, but with a forced smile and a whimper.
The house always wins.
You turn to face your killer. Her features swim into view and somehow you think you have seen that face before. Your tongue moves out of its own accord and it is your voice you recognise being discharged from your throat. Congratulations, youre a muppet on your own show. If life wasnt ebbing away from you, you would find it terribly amusing.
'That...hurts me,' you mutter softly, resignedly, to no one in particular. It is all a bit of an anti-climax.
After all, the culprit is no evil priestess. She is your best friend, your confidante, your protector- against whom you are utterly defenceless. She comes bearing good intentions and takes you at your least aware- when you are sitting around tittering over something superficial, feeling reasonably content with life.
A moment which for her will just be another moment.
But for you, will be an eternity.
this is nice. and i ripped it off someone esles blog and i think it is very prevalent to our life right now.
hang in there and i know you guys can do it.
do study hard for the promos. dont disappoint yourself.
all the best, to all taking promos next week =))
posted by Pepsi on 8:24 PM
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Thursday, September 21, 2006
Because i am jealous of how everyone has been HAPPILY and HARDWORKING-LY whinging and binging and staying up late to mug for the promos, and since i am not YET capable of MUGGING through the night, let me whinge here about one very unpleasant thing that happened to me now.i skipped gp and pe today. i felt a pang of guilt in me as in firstly, i am the gp rep (supposedly to be the so-called "rolemodel" for gp subj, but i aint.). yea anyway, my gp is halfway down the drain (if you guys had known me better) and i actually FOREGO gp lesson for slacking session. wth. promos is like 2 more days and i am still procrastinating like nobody's business and all i know in the end is to whine and whine and whine. okay, apart from that, i had to summon all those who went for the lesson to coverup for me and i think on their part, they will be in a very bad position. furthermore, THE TEACHER ACTUALLY THOUGHT WHAT THEY SAID WAS TRUE. i felt really really really bad after hearing this from my friends. argh.
i am depressed.
someone, help me.
study.
posted by Pepsi on 10:53 PM
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Wednesday, September 20, 2006
shut up and move on.argh stiff neck and way too little sleep! i'm all geared up for mugging and at some point of time, i really enjoyed those sessions. BUT MOST OF THE TIME, NO.
i don't really know what i'm doing! i just know i can't stop chemistry again and lose it all, and if i'm going to do physics properly i might as well start now and complete my promos neatly before j2. hah. i didn't talk to my friends either and i can't think of a reason why- this is so crazy. but am happy that i got my A in physics and chem tests, even if it is a huge-ass lecture tests in which i'll wallflower away. i know wallflower isn't a verb, shut up.
yeah yeah yeah.
off to my mugging session now.
definitely definite.
posted by Pepsi on 9:18 PM
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